Is Steve Halls the only person to see a Talking Moose in the flesh?
Why did Uli write the Talking Moose program?
Why is it distributed for free?
What is the Talking Moose philosophy?
Why does the Talking Moose like Macintoshes?
What does a Talking Moose eat?
Is the Talking Moose connected to UFOs?
Why are there so many questions in this introduction?
These questions and more we will try to answer tonight on... In Search of the Talking Moose.
Where Did the Talking Moose Come From?
Scientists are at a loss to explain the exact origins of the Talking Moose. In fact, only in the past few years have some members of the scientific community come to accept the Talking Moose as a reality. The meager data collected so far seems to indicate that there were once huge herds of carnivorous moose shaped dinosaurs that roamed the earth. Named TyrannaMoosus Rex (“Thunder Moose King”) by an obscure Canadian paleontologist, these dinosaurs were responsible for many of the practical jokes that were played on unsuspecting herbivores in the Jurrasic era. The links between the ancient moose-lizard and the modern day Talking Moose are tentative at best. Some archeologists suggest that the thunder mooses foresaw the coming of the ice ages, disappeared into a large cave in New Jersey, and left a wake up call for the morning. If they did, then they have overslept.
The next suggestion of the Talking Moose comes from the burial chamber of an ancient Egyptian king, Ra-Moos-ese. Ra-Moos-ese‘s tomb was discovered by a curious Egyptian shepherd in 1920 when he noticed that a herd of elk would gather every November 7 at an old watering hole. When the boy told the local authorities they didn‘t believe him because elk are not native to Egypt. Finally, the young lad contacted the Canadian consulate of Egypt and they agreed to examine his claim.
The old watering hole turned out to be the partially destroyed burial crypt of the aforementioned Ra-Moos-ese. Over the door appeared the inscription, “Enter not here or thou whilst be followed be that which walks of four legs, says hello in the morning, says goodbye at night, and cracks jokes in the between.” The courageous Egyptologists ignored it to their doom.
Inside the crypt, which was mostly filled with water, was the sarcophagus of Ra-Moos-ese as well as the mummified remains of his servants and advisors. Strangely enough, all of Ra-Moos-ese‘s retainers were animals of one kind or another. Unfortunately, what might have proven to be one of the most significant discoveries in this century was lost as quickly as it was found. The chambers began flooding with water and the Egyptologists were only able to escape with one fragment from the stone lid of a massive sarcophagus.
It is needless to explain the significance of the fragment, for the translation says enough:
...and the moose did grin and the carp and the antelope and the fruit bats and the anchovies did feast upon (untranslatable) by the great river...
...and the moose said, “One. Thou shalt say hello in the morning. Two. Thou shalt say goodbye in the evening. Three. Thou shalt crack jokes in the between.” And the animals did look upon him and they saw his bow tie was red and the great king gurgled for a while and was glad.
Heady stuff indeed!
In a tragic side note, every member of the expedition died within a few years of each other under mysterious circumstances. The only clue to the unexplained deaths was a note one of the members of the expedition had scribbled shortly before he died. “Beware the Moose,” was all it said.
The next hint of the moose subculture comes from pre revolutionary France. Apparently an minor nobleman by the name of Jean Louis Moosé took it upon himself to design monuments to his king. Sadly, Jean Louis was neither an enlightened nobleman nor a good designer, although he could dress well and was great with a snappy comeback. His one work, “L‘Moosé,” was destroyed during the French revolution. Jean Louis was found guilty of crimes against the state and was deported to the new French colony in Canada.
Jean Louis, a broken man, spent his last days wandering the cold Canadian countryside repenting his ways by protesting against the booming fur trade. His last words were, “L‘œuvre c‘est rien - l‘Moosé c‘est tout!” (The work is nothing - the Moose is everything!)
Only until the late 1920‘s did the elements of the persuasive moose influence penetrate the United States of America. At that time the US was in the grip of the great depression. Times were very tough on humans, let alone mooses.
In an attempt to revitalize the economy, the treasury department came up with a plan to adjust the monetary balance in a novel manner. They believed that the issue of a new $3 bill sporting the profile of a moose would allow the government to issue as much money as it needed to pay debts while never having to worry that anyone would ever actually spend it! The bills were almost ready to go into production when, at the last minute, a plan that curried more favor with the executive branch, the wildly popular $2 bill, was carried forward instead.
Scientists, whose job is to be experts about these kind of things, agree that the Talking Moose population must have undergone drastic reductions through the years. The great Talking Moose herds, which probably numbered in the thousands, had been reduced to a handful of active members. The only hope for the remaining mooses was gaining popular support and, hopefully, classification as an endangered species. Thus their plan was to find a home that would welcome the strange, the unique, and the spectacular. They headed for Hollywood, California.
The journey was long and difficult and they did not arrive in Hollywood until the early 1960‘s. Luckily the mooses came at an auspicious time; talking animal productions were the rage. The Talking Mooses were immediately scooped up by the William Moosis Talent Agency and started acting in bit parts in such great films as Treasure of the Sierra Moose, Mr. Moose Goes to Washington, Mars Needs Mooses and Dial ‘M’ for Moose. But the mooses had their eyes set on greater things. Rumors had been circulating that a major TV series was being planned featuring a talking hoofed mammal. The best and the most humorous mooses, with highly polished antlers, attended the tryouts. After a day filled will hoof-biting tension the results of the auditions were posted; the top contenders were the mooses and the horses.
The horses immediately recognized the threat posed by the fun loving, gregarious mooses and hired the Wilbur and Ed Detective Agency to dig up some dirt on them. The detectives were brutally thorough in their investigation. They revealed to the Screen Animals Guild (SAG) that the mooses could not prove they were native US citizens. The SAG had no choice but to bar the mooses from acting. Once again the mooses had to seek new tundra to roam.
Shortly after the Moose herd left Hollywood a mysterious fire broke out at MGM (Moose Golden Manor) Studios which destroyed the complete archives of moose films. Only a few publicity stills remained to testify to the mooses’ dramatic contributions.
In the late 1980s, all but a few resilient Talking Mooses had died, thus leaving the world without their guidance and deep wisdom. It was not until the 1990s that a Swiss scientist wrote an article about the historical importancy and biological necessity of this unique species. Quickly, the world became aware of the fatal mistake that had been made and demanded that the Talking Mooses be returned into their natural habitats. But there were no Meese to be found. In a last attemt to salvage what there was to salvage, cell samples were taken from the last known Talking Mooses to bring about new offspring through cloning this astonishing race.
For this purpose, a gigantic island was artificially created in the Baltic Sea, called the "Moorassic Park", where Talking Mooses should thrive and dwell along with the surroundings they were used to. But in a terrible accident with a Tyrannosaurus Rex the island's Talking Mooses had to sacrifice themselves by sinking the island (referred to by the very revealing name "the great pull of the plug"). Only two surviving Meese found shelter with a Programmer from Germany, who found them on the shores of the island of Ruegen while vacationing and took them under his wing. Soon thereafter, many of the original Mooses reappeared, leaving their secret hideouts to pass their wisdom to the new Mooses, much to the delight of many Moosologists.
Now you know the story of the Talking Moose, as it has been passed on from moose to moose, for the first time written down including all recent developments. Be kind to your moose, but don't forget your scarf.
